kill me just once

They killed me.
My heart stopped beating. My sweat glands poured outrageous liquids. My body quivered. And then, everything turned blurry. Right then and there, at the corner of our small place, I’m dead.
I became a good daughter, a good sister, and an outstanding student but what did I get out of it? I can’t feel satisfaction in my life and I think that I can never be contented with my life. How can I prove myself? How can I face the world well in fact its turning its back on me? I just can’t figure it out. I know I’m lost. And I don’t want to be lost forever.
My tears dropped down to my cheeks until it fell down to my cold trembling knees. I’m not sobbing. I’m standing still with my fist closed pressuring its bones to release enough strength. My mind was confused. It can’t focus on what my parents were saying. I can’t open my mouth and every time I tried to, there’s no sound coming out. I’m so helpless. I whish I could just disappear because life is so cruel.
My mistakes are such a big deal. The people around me can’t get over with it. They wanted to inculcate it in my mind until I feel the pain of the reality of living. What about my good deeds? Where is it? Am I that bad? I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired feeling pity for myself.
I’m always praying for a perfect family but I think that with me, present in a family, they can never attain it. It’s what I feel. It’s how they make me feel. They push me out of their circle. They want me leaving them in peace. Those are the times when I’m hardheaded. They want me out of the house whenever I did something bad for them like going home late
(12mn at most), breaking a vase because I’m clumsy, scolding my younger sister for a valid reason of course, and answering them back when needed. Is it a mortal sin? Nah, I don’t think so.
But that moment, when I was in the corner, trembling, that was for a different reason. They want my boyfriend out of my life. From two years and eight months, I’m used to having him beside me, but now, they want us to stop our relationship. For two years and eight months, we’re illegal. We have a rule in our family, that is, to finish studying first and find a stable job before entering a relationship. Imagine, we lasted that long without my parents knowing it. My sisters don’t know it either because I know that they won’t tolerate me. That very moment, they killed me. Now, I’m suffering for a double reason. First, I can’t have my boyfriend back because I just can’t assert my feelings because I do love my parents and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Second, I can’t have their trust again. That’s the hardest reality that I can’t accept.
I’m struggling to make them happy. I’m studying hard to prove to them that I’m worthy. I need to prove something big not for my family but for myself. I ant to stand up again and say that I’m strong enough to face the challenges the world is giving me.
How I wish my life starts from being old then I’m going to die as a baby, happy, innocent, and carefree. That’s my biggest wish and also one thing that I can’t achieve! Could you imagine life like that? For me, it’s pretty cool. You’re going to enjoy living till your last breathe. You’re going to die happy having no problems at all.
They killed me once. Now, I’m not going to allow anyone to kill me once again. I have my feet standing still on the ground and yet to know where path I’m going to go through. I love my family. I want them to be happy and I want them at my side, nothing more, and nothing less. I want to be the real me. How I wish I could stop pretending that I’m happy even though I’m not. People often see my carrying a smile without noticing what my eyes are really saying. I remember the saying that, “ Please listen to what I am not saying.” Yes, I want that to happen to me.
They killed my heart. I killed their trust for me. Now, I’m still lost.

-may