Monday, April 7, 2008

GIRL POWER


Alessandra de Rossi shows us what a real girl power is all about as she cites the ten most empowering moments in her life.

(From the Advertising Feature segment of the Cosmopolitan Magazine (Philippines), May 2007 issue)

  1. Ending a bad relationship. I woke up from a fantasy and accepted that the break was meant to be. After the crying and self-pity, I felt stronger and more secure about myself. I knew it was only the beginning of better things to come.
  2. Landing my first job. I believe that one of the most compelling moments in a person’s life is having more powerful or influential believe in you. I considered my first job a big honor and a great challenge. I took full advantage and gave it my all. I charged it all to experience and had a great time.
  3. Buying big-ticket items like a car or a house. I worked so hard and it felt like every tear I cried just to earn a paycheck finally paid off. Buying big-ticket items was like giving myself a reward. I felt very content but I also knew that it was not my end-all-be-all goal in life.
  4. Managing my own finances. Saving for the future while paying my bills is always a daily challenge especially when it’s so tempting to go shopping. I felt very proud of myself when I saw a beautiful pair of shoes worth P45K (45, 000 Php). I knew I could afford it but I didn’t buy it. Instead, I let my boyfriend buy it for me. Yeah!
  5. Speaking up for what I think is right. In my craft, this means saying “no” to bold roles or lewd pictorials. I say “no” when I can’t put my heart and soul in a task I’m not convicted to do. I don’t think it makes me a bad person when I stand up for what I think is right. In fact, it makes me stronger.
  6. Becoming a good negotiator. Closing a deal and coming to an agreement is thrilling. It makes me feel good that I have the ability to make the result favorable both for me and for others as well.
  7. Taking risks. It’s the most exciting part of our existence! I’m never afraid to take risks as long as I know I’m not going to hurt anyone. I try to study the consequences before I dive into it.
  8. Winning my first award among a group of veteran and established nominees. I gained more respect for myself after achieving something that I thought was impossible. Winning an award serves as my motivation to work even harder.
  9. Being 100% independent and away from the family. This is the hardest part of being me. It’s good sometimes because I get to do whatever I like; but it’s also hard waking up in the morning and not having anyone ask you if you’ve had breakfast. Living alone teaches me a lot of responsibility and forces me to look after myself better. If not me, then who else will do?
  10. Empowering other women. We all have our bad days and we each have to admit that we can’t handle it all on our own. It’s nice to know I can be a shoulder to cry on for my girl friends.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

kill me just once

They killed me.
My heart stopped beating. My sweat glands poured outrageous liquids. My body quivered. And then, everything turned blurry. Right then and there, at the corner of our small place, I’m dead.
I became a good daughter, a good sister, and an outstanding student but what did I get out of it? I can’t feel satisfaction in my life and I think that I can never be contented with my life. How can I prove myself? How can I face the world well in fact its turning its back on me? I just can’t figure it out. I know I’m lost. And I don’t want to be lost forever.
My tears dropped down to my cheeks until it fell down to my cold trembling knees. I’m not sobbing. I’m standing still with my fist closed pressuring its bones to release enough strength. My mind was confused. It can’t focus on what my parents were saying. I can’t open my mouth and every time I tried to, there’s no sound coming out. I’m so helpless. I whish I could just disappear because life is so cruel.
My mistakes are such a big deal. The people around me can’t get over with it. They wanted to inculcate it in my mind until I feel the pain of the reality of living. What about my good deeds? Where is it? Am I that bad? I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired feeling pity for myself.
I’m always praying for a perfect family but I think that with me, present in a family, they can never attain it. It’s what I feel. It’s how they make me feel. They push me out of their circle. They want me leaving them in peace. Those are the times when I’m hardheaded. They want me out of the house whenever I did something bad for them like going home late
(12mn at most), breaking a vase because I’m clumsy, scolding my younger sister for a valid reason of course, and answering them back when needed. Is it a mortal sin? Nah, I don’t think so.
But that moment, when I was in the corner, trembling, that was for a different reason. They want my boyfriend out of my life. From two years and eight months, I’m used to having him beside me, but now, they want us to stop our relationship. For two years and eight months, we’re illegal. We have a rule in our family, that is, to finish studying first and find a stable job before entering a relationship. Imagine, we lasted that long without my parents knowing it. My sisters don’t know it either because I know that they won’t tolerate me. That very moment, they killed me. Now, I’m suffering for a double reason. First, I can’t have my boyfriend back because I just can’t assert my feelings because I do love my parents and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Second, I can’t have their trust again. That’s the hardest reality that I can’t accept.
I’m struggling to make them happy. I’m studying hard to prove to them that I’m worthy. I need to prove something big not for my family but for myself. I ant to stand up again and say that I’m strong enough to face the challenges the world is giving me.
How I wish my life starts from being old then I’m going to die as a baby, happy, innocent, and carefree. That’s my biggest wish and also one thing that I can’t achieve! Could you imagine life like that? For me, it’s pretty cool. You’re going to enjoy living till your last breathe. You’re going to die happy having no problems at all.
They killed me once. Now, I’m not going to allow anyone to kill me once again. I have my feet standing still on the ground and yet to know where path I’m going to go through. I love my family. I want them to be happy and I want them at my side, nothing more, and nothing less. I want to be the real me. How I wish I could stop pretending that I’m happy even though I’m not. People often see my carrying a smile without noticing what my eyes are really saying. I remember the saying that, “ Please listen to what I am not saying.” Yes, I want that to happen to me.
They killed my heart. I killed their trust for me. Now, I’m still lost.

-may